Me: Max, can you please be quite. {it’s 8:56 pm, and quite frankly i’m tired of hearing his voice}.
Max: I’m gonna give you a big hug, mommy. A bear hug.
If only this was said telepathically because, you know, he just kept talking.
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We had a rough, eh… incident, this afternoon. On our drive home from preschool, around 2:45 pm, I spotted a dead squirrel on the road. Normally, I wouldn’t have mentioned it to the kids but it struck me as a unique moment because another squirrel, whom I imagined was its friend or lover, was trying to, well, it looked like she or he was trying to pick up the lifeless body. Like, the friend was sad. So thinking out loud, I told the kids and they were all like, oh, I wanna see a dead squirrel! Max was fine with it at first, {Bella stayed strapped in her car seat so couldn’t attend the viewing}, but then he started asking how? and why? and how can we help save the squirrels? We worked through the sadness, talked about it and such. However, he couldn’t get this damn dead squirrel out of his head.
We get home. Now, everyday as soon as we get home I, with the help of Max and Bella {should they be awake} let our dog outside. Camus, our dog, is a stubborn and intelligent pug. He doesn’t like to shit or piss in his own yard so I take him to our neighbors. Don’t fret, I always clean up his poop. Anyway, Max was sitting under the tree in the front yard contemplating this squirrel issue when I started to call for the two of them to walk with me to let Camus do his business. Bella came, Max stayed under the tree.
I figured he needed time.
Bella and I take Camus and come back about 10 minutes later. Max was in hysterics, yelling at us, I WANTED TO TAKE CAMUS FOR A WALK! He was really upset and demanded to take Camus out again. I didn’t want to go again right then. This made him even angrier. I made some suggestions, he rejected them. Bella, Camus, and I went into the house. I turned around waiting for Max to come in and he yelled, “I’M GONNA RUN OFF JUST LIKE YOU DON’T LIKE ME TO!!!”
I said, okay. Don’t talk to any strangers. And went into the house, leaving the front door open. We know all of our neighbors and all of them know us. And I’m not big on paranoia, so really didn’t worry about him.
I go upstairs, do a few things, 10 minutes go by and I think, “Hmmmm, maybe I’ll just go see where he is and if he wants to come inside now.”
I look out front. I look out back. I call for him {I’m yelling his name, LOUDLY and calmly}. I walk around the house. I ask a jogging dude if he saw a little boy down the street where he came from. Nothing. About, eh, 10 minutes of calling and looking around and I’m staring to feel a mixture of anger and worry. Something like, worry if I don’t find him soon. Anger, when I get my hands on him. I grab my purse and keys, about to drive around the neighborhood. I yell out, MAX, I’M GETTING IN THE CAR AND DRIVING AROUND TO LOOK FOR YOU!
Then in the far distance, at the end of our street, I see him. He is crying. He is mad. We start walking towards one another and he demands to be able to let Camus outside. I’m thinking, WTF? HE DID GO OUTSIDE AGAIN, WHEN I WAS LOOKING FOR YOUR ASS. I didn’t answer him but asked him to please come home now. He said no and then turned around and RAN AWAY.
I was already about four houses from him when he bolted in the opposite direction. All I could think at that moment was, I need to drop Bella off and go after him. I knocked on our neighbor’s door. Ron works from home. I briefed him on what was going on. Ron and Julie have two children, 22 and 11 years old, both boys. Good kids, the 11 year old is our lawn mower. Anyway, he kept Bella and did some light gardening with her in his front yard while I went after Max.
From the moment I dropped Bella off until I reached Max, I had no idea what I was going to say to him or what I was going to do. Should I spank him? Should I yell at him? How did my mom handle me the one time I ran away? Should I do that, or this? What will help him understand how NOT GOOD it is that he ran a little too far away? I had about three home lawns to travel before reaching him. When I rounded the corner of the last house on our street there he was, crouched down, pouting and crying.
I sat down next to him and gave him the biggest, tightest hug I could {which is what my mom did}. And cried a little, but not too hard {she did this, too}. It was a spontaneous release of all that I was feeling. He looked at me, SHOCKED, and asked why I was crying. I told him that it scared me when he didn’t answer my calls and I didn’t know where he was. He hugged me and said, “I care about you so much.” I didn’t expect him to say that, I didn’t expect him to say anything. We sat there for a few minutes, until I could pull myself back together.
On our walk home, I told him that if he needs to run out of the house again, don’t go any further than Tammy’s house {two houses away} so that when I call him he can at least hear me. He agreed that this was a, “really good idea, because I don’t want to hurt you.”
It’s so hard being a parent. Although I feel like I handled this situation the best I could, I still have no idea if what I did was the right thing to do… if it will have a positive impact on him. At the same time, I can’t worry about it or second guess everything I choose to do with my kids. Gah, it’s so hard to know if I am ever doing the right thing. I have this idea in my head, it has become A Truth for me, that no matter what I do, you know I’m gonna fuck these kids up in some way.
I really dislike being in situations that don’t have a clear path on how to handle and respond.
I am realizing that it is very important to not take for granted that Bella is more reserved in her demeanor. When she gets pissed, she shoots me a dirty look that could kill. Or screams with this fierce look on her face like she could crush a house with the sound of her voice. Though, really, while at least once a day something doesn’t go her way, her moments of fits are not draining on my body and spirit.
When we got back home I put in a movie for Max and Bella, and then fell asleep for two hours.
What a day.