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tv and bread.

one… my husband relentlessly makes fun of me because i’m watching the entire, Medium, series.  hey, i’m not saying its good, but it is entertaining.  and i love patricia arquette.  plus, there isn’t much else to watch right now as everything is off season for the summer.  what’s a nighttime TV junkie ta’ do?

and two… amazing vegan pizza… totally from scratch… including the crust…

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and my homemade bread, oooh that bread…

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need a closer look?  of course you do…

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and here is the irony of becoming a bread maker…

since becoming quite the bread maker, i have decided to go wheat/gluten free for a week to see if i can feel a difference in my sinuses and overall sense of health.  next on my baking list, millet bread.

i am lonely during the day.

five years of parenting my children full-time has its ups and downs.  i talk plenty of the ups in this space, so i’m gonna talk about one specific down that is standing out right now… Loneliness.  i’m sure this is something that anyone can imagine to be true of a woman who spends 90% of her time without adult company, but its not something i have ever come right out and talked about because its not like i’m alone all day {even as i type this post, my daughter is in the same room chatting up a storm}.  i hate the idea of anyone feeling sorry for me {please don’t} or thinking, well yeah you’re lonely, you’re a fucking bitch {this one i mind far less}.

but have you ever tried to have a conversation about gay rights with your four year old because you just saw a piece on the news about it?  the information exchange is pretty limited.  and while i may feel all good because i can talk about this with my child {yay me, progressive mama}, it doesn’t feel so good that my child is the only person available for me to talk about it with in that particular moment.

so what do i do?  i turn to the internet, a poor companion at best, to read other people’s thoughts on what-ever topic strikes my fancy.  i feel so lonely that i need the internet for instant adult company, bad because i am ignoring my kids to do this, and relieved that the internet exists because some days, its field of information is the only interesting interaction i have. sometimes, it provides the only meaningful adult dialogue that i can hope for during the day.  pretty sad, huh?  yes.  it is.

i write to keep my mind moving.  i read to keep it growing.  i attend classes because i have career goals.  i make time for friends to keep my heart soft.  and i’m still, very lonely.

being lonely plays tricks on my thinking, too.  i ignore these tricks, but they happen anyway.  one is that i’m not a very likable person.  people just don’t like me.  i’m too this or too that.  not enough this, not enough that.  i fear my honesty makes people uncomfortable.  i fear my politics get in the way of making new friends.  so why bother trying?  yep, gotta ignore all that self-trash-talking, but sometimes it does get the best of me.

and then, i’m so picky about who i bring into my life. there isn’t a large pool of potential out there – which naturally, makes me feel like a bitch.  but all i really require in a friendship, casual or otherwise, is honest communication.  not similar politics, similar taste in music, similar worldviews {hello! to my conservative religious friends who i love dearly}. and let me tell you, honest communication from other folks IS HARD TO FIND.  we are all so protective of our inner lives.

despite my commitment to honest communication, i’m slow to turn.  slow to open up.  shy at first.  cautious in the beginning.  just like the rest of the human population, it takes a certain type of person to crack me open right away.

little things turn me off easily.  like, if someone is criticizing other people for any reason.  making judgmental comments for any reason without awareness.  this brings up something else, i have more respect for character flaws when a person is openly aware of said flaws, or becomes aware as they happen.  i can actually deal with a lot of idiosyncrasies in an aware person.  oh, and here’s something that people really love, i have an uncanny and weird ability to see through people’s masks.  yep, it hits me like a pang in the heart.  the heavier the mask, the harder it will be to get to know you (or for you to know yourself).  therefor, i have less interest in the ‘getting to know you’ process (even if i’m curious, i recognize the work involved).  and let me tell you, we ALL wear masks to varying degrees.  it is more a form of protection than a character flaw.  it only becomes a character flaw when it can’t or won’t be removed.

i’m too picky.  but at the same time, not so picky at all.  all my friends are so different from one another.  so different that it would be a freak-show-crazy social experiment if i were to get all of them together in one space.

sometimes, i wonder, how the heck am i so lonely when i know so many beautiful, amazing, kind, and thoughtful women {and a few great guys}?  and trust me when i tell you, they all posses these qualities.  i love the friends that i have.  however, what i’m coming to terms with, is that i am ready to expand my availability and make more friends.

so now what?  i am lonely.  i know that i am lonely.  and now that i know, i have to do something about it ‘cuz i can’t just sit around and complain.  well, i could, but what good would that do?  soooooo, today i am meeting up with a group of total strangers who are all, also, Lonely.  i signed up for a yahoo meet-up mama group.  i’m not looking for a group of women who all think like i do.  i’m not expecting to really get to know anyone, today.  but i’m putting myself out there, and i am committed to it, in hopes of meeting at least one other women who can accept me for who i am and wants her own true self to be known {and has the vulnerability to allow that to happen}.

and yeah, it would also be a HUGE bonus if she lives in the same county that we do.  please, if you are reading this because you think i’m a nice person to know, send some vibes, prayers, well wishing in my direction.  i’m trying to open myself up and put myself out there, and it is a little scary.

i’m ranting and i’m saying the word, “you,” but its figurative, not really meaning for anyone to take it personally. blowing off some steam here, people. Wink

i wanted to shout out… I’M FAT AND I’M OKAY WITH IT.

i know my body is for-ever changing. one year i’m this size, another year i’m that size. having children has changed my body, getting older is changing my body. i’m learning how to eat healthy and still eat many of the vegan treats i love. yeah, i’m low energy/activity and that is because of having RA, not because i’m lazy (contrary to popular belief).

i just wanted to say it, cuz’ it’s validating, I’M OKAY WITH MY BODY. and i feel the need to say it because when i got really thin because of the way i was eating to help bella with her allergies, EVERYONE except my conscientious feminist sister-friends, commented on my shrinking size with such excitement. as if i was giving them hope or something, “well, shit, if that fat-ass can loose THAT much weight, than there’s hope for me, yet.” OR WORSE, “wow, she must feel so good now that she is skinny.”  okay, i know, i’m reading into people’s comments a wee-bit too much. and i understand that body issues affect every woman i know differently.  we are all products of our culture on this one, ladies and gents.  but seriously, i have to ask, why comment on my size at all… would you do it now that i’ve gotten fat again? would you say, “wow, you have gained so much weight and you look fabulous!” or would you just say, “you look great!” the latter would be more like it. not because it is a kind and okay thing to say, but because you would feel wrong mentioning WEIGHT GAIN. so why comment when someone looses weight, “you have gotten so thin, you look wonderful!” why assume that loosing weight is a positive?

i was going through a very traumatic time with my daughter’s health, loosing weight was not a goal or a positive experience for me. and only in hindsight can i really see this to be the case. i think it is great if a woman talks about her goals to loose weight, to be healthy in conjunction to loosing weight (one not reflective of the other as a person CAN be healthy AND fat), how she is doing it, how great she feels – i commend that and would talk about it right along with her with great pride for my friend’s accomplishments and gusto. but if a person does not make it a point to talk about their own body, or what is going on with it, please don’t take it upon yourself to comment on his or her weight. weight is such a personal issue, like breastfeeding, pooping, and sexuality. i dunno why, maybe it has become that way because of the intense amount of shame our culture has brought upon fat bodies.

i’m writing this out because i don’t want you to think that i feel shame over my weight gain.  i don’t want others to look at me like i fell off the wagon or something.  it is what it is:  my body changing and me figuring out how to care for it. and trust me when i tell you, YOU DO NOT HAVE THE ANSWERS for my body’s health. even tho i know you think you do.

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oh wow. the summer is half way over and i’m starting to itch for a little more personal brain-time. i was going strong there for a while, but now i’m really looking forward to starting my classes in the fall and getting some positive space from my son. he is such the *%#$@!@!* in the house. of-course, i’d never say that to him. his personality is strong. he’s very opinionated. and smart as a whip. i love him to pieces and as the norm, really enjoy his company. however, sometimes… he is my little handful of pungent spice. a firecracker. saucy. all that and a world of more. he’s a scorpio to the bone. highly independent one minute, emotionally needy the next. in his own world one minute, co-dependent on me for entertainment the next. he is a whirlwind of personality, i’ll tell you that. complicated, that one. very complex, passionate, and intelligent. in other words, a mother fucking handful. though you’d never know it if you met him. he is everyone’s favorite child to have around. calm. respectful. a good listener. sincere and honest. and he is like that half the time for me, too. but, you know, his family gets the full package that is Max. i know you mamas know what i’m talking about.

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i am well aware of the fact that he needs to be kept busy almost all the time.  i am also well aware of my personal limits with this, and the need for the extended village that is a structured school environment.  i think this boy will do very well with the boundaries and pace of public school (or the charter school we’re looking at, not much difference in the framework of the classroom, though).

i think its good for max to experience boredom and figure out what to do with it.  i’d hate for him to grow up always expecting entertainment to cost something or that it is another person’s responsibility and place to provide it for him.  he tends to want to give up, too, when something brighter and shinier (or easier) comes along.  i noticed this during the week he was at his health & body camp.  he really loved going, but then he’d be feeling lazy in the morning and insist that he wanted to stay home.  i wouldn’t let him ‘cuz i knew if he just made it to the camp door, his fire would light again.  so i’m making a point to help him follow through with what-ever his original plan/activity was.

anyhoo, rambling now.  gotta get the kids lunch, then we’re heading over to my in-laws for a swim in their pool.  happy monday.

The 4th.

hal and i took the kids to my in-law’s house yesterday for the 4th.  we were expecting a bbq, our BIL, SIL and their kids, and maybe one or two of MIL’s friend’s to be over there celebrating.  it ended up being MIL, FIL and our little family with no fired-up grill.  this actually left hal and i feeling a bit disappointed.

i’ve never been a fan of the holiday.  or for celebrating it with the city i live in.  not for political reasons, but because fireworks are obnoxiously loud, visually fleeting, and a colossal waste of tax payer’s money – even tho i’m sure this is not the only way our city government squanders away our hard earned dollars.  other reasons are:  it is too hot here to be outside for longer than a minute and for hal and i, large crowds of drunk imbeciles is a major deterrent from these city events.  i’m lucky that hal feels the same way as i do about the 4th and its potential evening activities.  i think we’ll both stave off the participation in the big city fire works party for as long as possible.

I KNOW I KNOW, ITS FOR THE KIDS.  this is something we hear often, “but the kids love it!”  and you know what i say to that?  i know they do, but… we are a family, and we do things that all of us will enjoy together.  hal and i always keep the kids in mind, but we don’t neglect our own preference, needs, and desires to please our children.  because the kids are more flexible than we are, they have less preferences and dislikes, they are far more willing to do what hal and i would like to do. and if we don’t expose them to a wide variety of activities, and only focus on what they would like to do, we’d do nothing but go to chuck-e-cheese.  by the end of the year we’d either own half of ol’ chuck’s stocks or be filing for bankruptcy.   hal and i hate chuck-e-cheese.  it’s hell in a building.

i am bracing myself for the year we do take the kids to The Big Fire Works Display.  when we drove past the bridge around 5pm, hours before the fire works go off, it was already crowded with sight seers, food stands, and activity wagons.  i started making mental notes as to what we would need to bring with us, what stage in the kid’s development they need to be in before we do this, and how the hell would we survive it and enjoy it, too.  food, water, chairs, some liquor for me, and lots of sparklers being on that list of must-haves.

i’m game for attempting these kinds of events at least once [hal could definitely live without the experience].  i’m just not trying to rush the fun.  max and bella are close in age so its easy to wait until they are both older.  sometimes, i feel like i have to do every little family event the city holds because that is what families are suppose to do, right?  everyone does it!  but its not really like that.  and yeah, some of these things are better with older kids.  hell, hal and i were annoyed by the pumpkin festival last year because we were worried about bella’s comfort level and there was just too many people.  gah, those crowds of people all looking around for their next direction, yelling for their family members to get the hell closer,  and eating huge legs of chickens with half of it smeared all over their face.  gawd, i am such an old sour-puss!  i listen to myself and i’m like, when the hell did i turn into my grandmother??? maybe i should have had children when i was in my early 20’s?

so anyways, last night hal and i bought our first batch of fireworks together at the grocery store.  we did it with the anticipation of enjoying it.  we did it for our kids.  they got set off in the drive way at my in-law’s.  the kids LOVED it.  they were so excited.  and hal and i got a kick out of seeing them get a kick out of seeing the fire works.

after our mini-display was over, max was sitting at the table looking kind of sad.  hal asked him, “what’s wrong max?  you look sad.”  max said with a sigh, “i’m so frustrated because other people got more fireworks than we did.”

he could hear the noise outside and felt jealous at every sighting of an illegal pop in the sky.  i think max is going to be the one who pushes hal and i to do new things and bella will be the one who teaches us to look at things differently.  not that i’m pigeon holing my kids into these roles, its just that in so many ways they have already been like this.

the 4th was a good experience this year.  and the kids fell asleep on the drive home, managing to sleep through the neighborhood snap, crackle, and pops.

“jump! jump! jump!”

“watch me! max!”

they bounce from one bed to the next.  learning how to jump and bounce off one another in such a way that one doesn’t go crying to mama.

“i wanna show you a trick.”  max says to bella. “close your eyes.”

he runs to the next room, a trick up his shirtless sleeve, no doubt.

they are rough with one another, but i’m learning to stay out of it.  i’m learning to not coddle when they get hurt, but to kiss, hug, and send them back on their way to play.  i’m learning to let them fight.  to let them argue.  to even let them take a swing at each other before i step in.  we don’t allow hitting in our family, i say.  they are learning. i am learning with them.

i used to hit my children; spank, slap, what-ever lighter word you’d like to apply to it.  mostly max right after bella was born.  no more than any other good mama, much less than what would have me feeling permanently guilty.  it was a last resort move on my part, when reason, time out, and separation did not work.  it was something i did because i didn’t know how to handle my two year old and take care of [and protect] my newborn.  now, i sit on my hands if max angers me.  i tell him, “i am getting so angry right now.”  it has gotten easier as they have gotten older, as they understand language more.

i have heard moms say quite matter-of-factly, “oh, i believe in spanking.” i feel nothing about this, other than wonder in how this will be carried on in the next generation.  wonder in how this will affect the child’s relationship with their parents.  i don’t really feel ill towards the momma, though.  i understand the normalcy of it.  in a lot of loving households, it is a normal last resort.  and not only that, i think most of us parents wrestle with how to not hit our children when they are ornery and unruly.  for many of us, it is a learn as you go process.

i have seen hitting go to the extreme, i mean, the extreme that is right before one may consider it abuse, but some may view it as such.  my niece and nephews cower under the slightest disciplinary gaze from their mama and papa – whether they did wrong or not.  i have seen them smacked on their little hand, spanked on their tiny butts, flicked on their small ears, and just as bad… i have seen them scared of their parents. i am witness to this kind of hard-ass parenting at every visit with them.   and, i know those children are loved by their mama and papa.  but at some point, how much love is felt becomes secondary and seems distorted in the eyes of how the children are treated.

i don’t want my children to fear hal or me {or each other}.  i want them to understand that a person can be serious with their requests, even when they don’t resort to violence, bribes, and threats.

i fail at self-control, still, sometimes.   just the other day, bella pushed our little dog off the couch.  a push that could very well cause permanent damage to our sweet pug.  she was nekked, my little girl, running around the house nutty and having fun.  i slapped her little butt.  not too hard, but hard enough to show her my anger at what she had done.  immediately, i knew i had done something that wasn’t necessary.  immediately i began to think of other ways in which i could have handled the situation.  then i began to act in those other ways.  i didn’t continue to punish her by shunning or with attitude.  i coddled camus.  she coddled camus.  i apologized to my two year old for smacking her butt.

“you hurt my butt-butt.” she says to me.

“i know sweetie, i didn’t need to hit you.  i am sorry.”

“yeeeah.”  she cried.  “its okay mommy.  i love, looooooove you.  i’m sooorrrrrriiieeeee, caaaamuuuuus, for pushing yoooooou.”  she felt bad enough for what she had done.  when i explained how camus could get hurt being pushed off the couch (something i have explained before, but you know, repetition with kids), she cried and held camus.  the wrong i committed against her little butt-butt, against her very sweet being, was immediately fixed.  the guilt that i felt was erased the very next moment i chose to do what was right.  see, i think guilt is useful in that it is a little nudge in a different direction.  if that new direction is chosen, the guilt goes away.  if the same path, the same behavior, the same negativity is continued, the guilt lingers and turns into all sorts of uglier acts.

i admire people who don’t even think to hit their children.  for they are better parents than i in this area.  even going months without an account to speak of, then having one slap come out of me, feels like a mistake.  i’m learning.  my children are patient and forgiving.  as i am with them.

max just built a gun out of blocks and named it, “super lazer 3,000.”  he explains, “it can do anything and change into anything!”

we have no toy guns in our house, but that is okay, they boy derives great pleasure in creating his own, which is okay too.

keeping in mind that max could watch t.v. all day if i let him, the time-suck thing gets turned off periodically.  this is the other “i’m not the best momma” item on my list.  i’m sure someone out there thinks that i let my children watch too much t.v. and sometimes, i do.  i most certainly do.  sometimes, it is the only respite i can offer myself.  the only time i get to write.  the only time i get to take a shower, or lay down and rest.  i don’t feel guilty about it.  and i know i could choose differently.

but right now, as i write, they are helping themselves to an ice popsicle treat from the freezer, painting, entertaining themselves, running around, and making stuff.  laughing.  happy.  interacting and engaging with one another.  talking.

“you can eat a paintbrush if you want.”  max lets bella know, then his words follow with a song he likes to hum.

i’ve been mulling around in my head a post about lying, and how i handle it when max lies.  being four years old brings on so much more awareness.  he’s gone from being a complete truth teller, to lying for fear of being punished, to: “i’m going to tell you the truth, mommy, i did it, not Bella.  i am so sorry.”  and rarely repeating the offense.

life is odd.  the adventure is not in what i am doing, but just the fact that i am living.

i’ve asked hal to take the kids to his parent’s house today, so that i can be alone in the house.  he’s heading out the door now.  the silence is so blissful.  while they are gone, i’ll write, rest, do a little cleaning {but not too much}, make a store run for more flour {for more bread making}, and make a tempeh cacciatore for my family’s return.  that’s the plan anyway.

i hope that you, too, have a lovely weekend.

and it is in the form of homemade bread.  i ate heaven.  i’m gonna poop heaven!  okay, maybe that’s going too far.

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the recipe i used was really simple and can be found here.  this was so encouraging for me, the fact that the bread turned out beautifully and taste divine.  this little success has opened a door to a slew of other kinds of breads.  and yes, hal my love, pizza dough, too.

looking out my kitchen window today, nothing but gray…

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i have to be one of the least motivated people in the world, much less motivational (my poor children).  i’m baking bread today, three loaves of bread.  and if you heard the dialogue going on in my head that it took to get me to do anything but sleep and watch TV, you would think i was the laziest person in the world.  or maybe clinically and perpetually depressive.  heck, i see myself that way.  just paying the bills is a huge accomplishment.

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i just finished prepping that lust-worthy batch of bread dough.  i can not even quantify the satisfaction of kneading that big, lovely, warm doughy ball of flour, yeast, sugar, salt, and water goodness.  or the spark in my heart from seeing my children helping with its production.  the feel of the dough is similar to the squishiness of a baby’s butt.  i kneaded bella for a little bit afterward for comparison.  yep, very similar.

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i wonder what the days of other low energy people look like.  even the kneading was a bit challenging with my arthritis nudging to take it easy.  but knead away i do, ‘cuz the end results make me more happy than the amount of pain that sneaks in when my wrist turns a fraction in the wrong direction.

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the kids are watching tv today, in between playing, making, and baking.  later we are baking some wheat-free chocolate chip cookies.  wake and bake, yeeeeah baby.  that’s me.  i think we’ll crank up the music downstairs and do a little dancing, too.  ah, lazy summer days. ain’t nothing glamorous about it.  it is what it is.  and that’s alright with me.

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wow, dropping max off at his summer art class was surprisingly emotional.  as we were getting out of the car, his energy shifted from excitement to nervousness.  he said to me, “i get frightened when around new people, sometimes, mommy.”

“ah, i understand.”

“that is why i hid in my bedroom when that girl was over at our house.”  (speaking of a recent guest close to his age)

“yeah, sometimes it takes a little time to get comfortable around new people.  that makes sense.”

“yeah.”

and we walked hand and hand into the classroom.  bella on one side of me, max on the other.  the little talk we had in the car seemed to shift his energy back, opened him up again.  he hugged and kissed us both goodbye for the two hour duration he’d be living without bella and i by his side.  it was a tender moment.  my baby is growing up.  and it is so exciting to be witness to it.

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for a while there, as ya’ll may or may not remember, i was really down on myself for not doing cute kid crafts with my children.  even at the time i was feeling this way, the common sense part of my brain was telling me (and a few wise mamas, too) that there was no need to worry, “if you listen, your children will lead you to where they want to go.”  and yes, the do.  they certainly do.  as max and bella get older, i see how so many of my early year worries were entirely unfounded.

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a brief explanation of the quote:

If divorce has increased by one thousand percent, don’t blame the women’s movement. Blame the obsolete sex roles on which our marriages were based. – Betty Friedan

i love this quote and believe it to be true, though if i were to have been the one to write it into a speech, i would have used the term “gender roles” and not “sex roles.”  as the term “sex” refers to physiological aspects of the body and “gender” is a reference to what realities and responsibilities people take on themselves, regardless of their actual physiological sex (transgender/transsexual, two different terms for this reason).

what the quote is talking about…

the typical roles that males and females take on in their marriages and how those roles are stifling, even damaging to the success of the relationship.  our society, individuals affected by our culture, is *beginning* to evolve past these roles.  i say “evolve” because there is now a level of awareness in the modern relationship – especially one with children -  that both partners need to really behave as partners, team mates if you will, for the relationship to work. none of this, men go to work and are not held accountable for the state of their home or the way their children are managed while women are solely responsible for those two aspects of the family life and not permitted to have professional goals or worse, not supported in pursuing them.  assuming men are in the right to take on the professional role in the house no matter what abilities or desires the woman has is sexist at best, abuse of power at worse.  in other words, no matter how you look at it, this perception is horrid.  it does not allow both sexes to excel in their personal lives or their family life.  and thus, becomes the death of the relationship.  these gender roles are a huge problem in marriages.  so much so, that many divorces occur without even being able to rightly name this problem until admitted in hindsight, and sometimes not at all.  there needs to be flexibility in the responsibilities of both male and female partners (and let me just say, i believe this to be true of same sex partners, too, as i’m not directly speaking of them here but am not writing without awareness of their role struggles), this nuclear family way of life with distinct roles for both male and female is becoming obsolete.  and it is not the woman’s movement that has caused divorce rates to go up, but the actual damage of these gender roles – with or without awareness of them.

i’m certain someone else could explain it better, or add to what i have written here, but that is my best for this moring.

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