Thank you for following me over to this new spot. It means a lot to me that someone reads what I have to say and cares enough to keep reading *gushing*.
Time for my very first post in this very new space…
First of all… Happy New Year!
And I am so happy that 2007’ is over. That was a rough year in our household, but I survived, grew, learned, loved, and managed to keep a sense of humor through most of it.
2008’ has got to be better.
I switched blog locations so I could include more personal writing. Specifically about experiences with my mom. What I have to say does not come easy and would not be an easy pill to swallow for any mother.
I come from a [probably long] line of abusive women. My Great-Grandmother was abusive towards my Grandma, so much so that she drove Grandma to marry “beneath” her family line of wealth out of spite (and probably love, though I never saw love in my Grandparent’s house). My Grandma had 8 children, one passed away as a teenager. She was hateful to each and every one of her kids. She was addicted to pain medication. My Grandfather, as far as I know and can remember, was a gentle but absent alcoholic.
My mom has told me stories of how cruel her mother was. Now my mom, she almost broke the cycle of abuse. Until she became sick. She was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was 24 years old. She, of-course, was the last to know.
Up until four days ago, I thought she was getting better. See, I have never found a support group for family members of schizophrenics. Up until four days ago, I thought my mom was coming back to me. Four days ago, I realized just how ignorant to this disease I am. I am now looking for that support group.
This is the e-mail exchange between my mom and I that woke me up to her suffering:
First, I got a short e-mail that said, “Thank you for the gift, Mom.”
I wrote back:
What gift? I sent you a card. We didn’t give any adults gifts this year because we had six children to buy for, and you know, we are living paycheck to paycheck right now. Did you get my phone messages?
She wrote back:
I do not what to hear your problems with money. You should never forget your parents. They should be at the top of your list . That means before any one else. I will bet you got Hals parents a present. Just because I am miles away from you does not mean you can not buy me a present. You have always given me shitty present any way. Except for last year when you guys got me the DVD player. You do the same thing on my birthday and mothers day and grand parents day. Just like you michelle it all about you. You do nothing for me or even want to help me. But you are willing to help Dan get a devoice from me and get the house. All I know Michelle is you have hurt me for the last time. This is why I am staying in New Hampshire. At least I know my brothers and sisters care about me and my health. I am sorry I am sick I planned this all years before I had you. Just to make you unhappy as while as Dan. I got your messages but could not understand a word you said, I am having trouble hearing. It is better if you just email me. If you can find the time, like you do for your poor me writing. I have stayed quiet long enough. I am getting healthy again and do not like the way you have become. Some one has to tell you the truth. You never understood me and have know idea how much you have hurt me in the past. God Bless you and I hope you find Jesus Christ soon. I will always love you and I am sure you will understand that much known that you have children of your own. What her problem? That is what I hear in my head coming from you after you read this letter. Or thats your problem mom not mine. You are right michelle. These feeling are just some of the feeling I have kept inside for years. There are more to come hope you had a good holiday because you do not beleive in christ the king of peace.
I wrote back:
Your right, lack of money is not a good reason to not send you a gift. I am sorry. I have other reasons but I’m afraid none of them are good either. I did not mean to hurt you. I’m sorry.
Then I sent her an Amazon e-gift card that said:
Happy Holidays Mom! I’m so sorry that I didn’t think of this earlier. I hope that you had a wonderful Christmas and that the New Year is grand. This e-gift card can be used to buy anything on Amazon.com – one of my favorite online stores. I love you and miss you very much. From, the harmon family
Then she wrote me:
I am fine, stop hiding behind my handicap and face reality. That it is not always me with the problem. It is about time I told you want I think of you as an adult. [the last time she said this it was because she was proud of me, when Max was just a baby] Did you ever think that maybe it is you and your thought system or maybe even Dan who caused me to move away from the two of you [Dan is my step-father]. You are not perfect Michelle by no means. You have done some really mean things to me and alot was comfirmed when I was down there last spring. You should of not laugh when Max hit me. You should of said something to him about hitting grandma [I did]. And the time on the phone when he said “I do not like her” [I never worried about this because HE WAS TWO]. You are leaving alot a doors open for him and you will regret it when he gets older. I would never of let you get away with this kind of behavior. And I am sick of letting you treat me like I am some sick and stupid person. If you, Michelle not Hal or the kids set the stag for a relationship between me and you. I am not going to take your shit. Think about it Michelle, you mailed my christmas card on the 24 of December. What does that tell you. If you really wanted me to have a gift you would of mailed it with the card. You are not concerned about me. It is all an act and I do not like it. I am staying up here because I know want waits me down there. I am embrassed to walk beside you because of all your gross tattoos. If you are having trouble remembering your life or some prayer then write it down on a pieces of paper not on your body. It looks like shit and I do stereo type people who do have tattoos. I also get the feeling you do not want me to have a relationship with the kids. You never let or encouage Max to talk to me on the phone. You have not sent me any photo of the kids in a year. I am better of being away from you till you realize what pain and sorrow you have caused me. I know want I did and did not do to you. And I am paying for it now. God Bless you and have a wonderful life. Joanne I will know when my daughter is back, it is a mothers feeling.
So this is the legacy that I work hard to not pass on to my own children.
I have dealt with this kind of verbal abuse since I was 12 years old, maybe even earlier than twelve. That is the problem, I can’t remember.
Just because someone has a disease, doesn’t mean that the disease cancels out the offenses.
Only as an adult have I been able to forgive her for these outbursts and understand that she has trouble processing intense emotions. If this e-mail exchanged happened even three years earlier I would have felt like defending myself and pointing out how wrong she is [as you can see I started to defend myself to you but then stopped]. So, I guess I’ve grown a little? Blah, it still hurts when my mom has an episode and I’m the target.
She sent a couple more e-mails calling me names (including, bitch) and I made the decision to block her. From my life. For now, anyway. I had no idea that this could happen again. She seemed to be doing so well. We were getting along as I always dreamed.
She lives in New Hampshire and I live in Florida. I guess the geographical distance protected me more than I realized. When I was growing up, I never knew what to expect while at home with my mom. One moment she was sane as apple pie and ice cream. The next moment it was raining shit all over the inside of my house. Oozing out of the walls. Being flung by the wind of the ceiling fans. It always stayed on the inside of the house.
There are large parts of my adolescence missing from memory. I don’t know if these pieces are sitting in a large container at the base of my skull or if I had the self-preserving sense to let them fly in one ear and out the other. Like many survivors of abuse, I just can’t remember.
These recent interactions with my mom gifted me the insight to know that I am a survivor. I have never called myself this before. I have never before acknowledged that I was verbally/emotionally/mentally abused throughout my teenage years well into adulthood. It seems so wrong to say it. To accuse my own mom of such heinous crimes.
Wow Michelle. That’s pretty crappy. Even if you’ve forgiven and moved on that’s so hard especially because it’s your mother! I have MIL issues and wonder(as a mother) how someone thinks it’s ok to behave like that. Anyways I’m glad you’ve created a space you can speak freely in. I’ve often thrown around the idea of having another blog, one where nobody from my “real” life reads.
I have also had a rough time in 2007, Samara was born of course and that means it will always be a special year but a rough one none-the-less. I have high hopes for 2008!
Yeah, Bella and my love for Hal and Max are my bright spots during last year. We are both due for a good year! And what is with MIL’s, anyway? My MIL just had a freak-out attack on us tonight. It was so bad we left her house earlier than usual, right in the middle of her tantrum. There is something wrong, terribly wrong, with that generation of women. I think they were victims of the times, really. OUR daughter/son inlaws will be luckier, I think.
all i want to say is you are right. you are a survivor. and you are strong. i’m glad you have found a safe space to write. and it is necessary (as you know, it is NOT poor me writing) there’s so much i want to say, but you know it all yourself. i think geographical space is smart and blocking negative energy is mandatory at certain points of our lives. take good care momma.
Wow.
You are not alone! AND yes, you are strong. And soooo mature. Maybe it’s true – victims of their time. One foot stuck in the oppressive past and both eyes longing toward a free future…the one in which the daughters grew.
I think mothers of this generation resent their children. Think them smart, capable, powerful, free, and thus OK to shoulder abuse.
Or at least mine did, and I know I’m not alone.
Your poor mother. Schizophrenia…I can’t imagine.
It made me really sad to read that. Especially the parts where she criticized your appearance. It’s so low, so mean. You are beautiful.
I’ve always loved your tattoos. I remember riding with you somewhere and you were wearing a green top or dress and it made your skin look so lovely.
i love ya, michelle! life is one huge, gigantic struggle. thank goodness for such wonderful friends who lift us up and help us remember who we are and what we are worth. I could not make it thru without friends like you. stay strong, keep your head up and for goodness sakes, eat some chocolate!!!!
I can totally relate to this. My mother doesn’t have schizophrenia, at least not diagnosed, but she has some pretty severe mental health issues that have caused her to be incredibly abusive to me over the years. I’m also dealing with a similar situation in some respects as I had grown closer to her over the last few months and she’s all but abandoned me since the baby was born. It’s a hard pill to swallow to know that your mother not only can’t be a mother but also cannot be a solid, healthy human being. I applaud your efforts to forgive her while keeping your distance. You are an inspiration to me mama, thank you for sharing this part of your life.
lm