Man, I am feeling really distraught over what happened this afternoon in the car with Max. I can’t stop thinking about it. Why now? After all this time dealing with the difficulties of raising children why now did I snap so badly?
For the first time today I felt unappreciated by Max. I mean, duuuuh, he’s 3 ½ years old and the very nature of mothering is to give without expectations to receive. I forgot Max’s age. I forgot that he isn’t able to appreciate anything I do for him as a series of “doings” and probably won’t until he is many years into adulthood. Or rather, his appreciation for me isn’t going to show in the things that he does or because he says it.
Each moment for him is an isolated moment. He isn’t able to look at life as a series of moments that are all connected, yet. His show of appreciation comes in forms less tangible and less intentional on his part.
It isn’t normal for a parent to say those things to their child. It was selfish and childish of me. It was regrettable. The sting will be remembered for all the years to come.
Tonight as I laid next to Max to help him fall asleep, I was very happy that we still co-sleep. At least I know he went to sleep tonight in my loving arms, hearing my soft caring voice, snuggled close to my heart. I also got to slip in one more “I’m sorry for what I said today.”
He then says to me in a sleepy voice, “Sometimes bad things happen.”
I say, “Yeah, but I’m still sorry. You are not a fucking brat, Max. You’re a strong, brilliant, lovable little boy.”
He responded with great intention, “I know.”
And then he fell deep asleep.
“Sometimes bad things happen,” what a profound understanding of life.
You’re doing an awesome job, I shit you not.
sometimes bad things do happen, but you are consistently giving your kids, love, safety, respect and a comfortable atmosphere to thrive in. that’s what they’ll remember when they’re our age….
everyday is a new day, momma. and it’s all about the repair, i think that is what heals best, and it’s something that many of our own parents never did. to admit you are human. wow, what a powerful thing. i think you’re awesome and your kid is brilliant! and he knows it!
Oh, Bird. You’re the best. This is a beautiful post. You’re a beautiful mama. Man, these kids sure teach us a lot about ourselves, huh? I’m SO there with you.
Your friend,
Jen