First day of school for my kids, today. And I didn’t get a picture of them. Oh well. They will look the same tomorrow. Excitement filled our home this morning… Max and Bella got up and ready earlier than what I’m use to seeing.
On our way to school, Bella said to me in the sweetest way, “Oh, you don’t have to work today? You can have lunch with me!” I laughed and retorted, “Ha! I don’t think so. I want to enjoy my day, Bella… alone.”
Ass-shat mommy moment right there. I didn’t mean for it to come out LIKE THAT. But it did and I felt horrible. Her frown was so instant my heart crushed and a funnel of guilt cramped my eyes. In the moment I heard those words, a Freudian slip of the mind for sure, I played it off by winking at her with a smile. She knows me. We have conversations about mommy’s need for solitude – she shares that need. She smiled back and we talked about something else, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
After returning home, I went for an hour walk. I discovered that Pandora is available as an App for my cell phone which is very convenient. When I’m in a state of melancholy or depression, I prefer silence. On this day, I wanted some hip hop to bee-bop along to through my neighborhood. I’ve become quite the lover of walking (with and without music). Playing a role in rehabilitating adults – whose walking gets impaired by the aging process, illness, or injury – has increased my appreciation for this particular human ability that I use to take for granted.
I ended up meeting BellaGrace during her lunch. She was super surprised and joyful to see me as I too was feeling happy to see her. Being around her and Max is (more often than not) easy, relaxing, and hella amusing. They are funny, good spirited, and neat-0 humans. I’m honored to witness them growing into adults. I feel pretty fucking lucky.
The rest of my day was on the duller side. I went to Target to pick up some school supplies and a frozen sodium-filled lunch for myself. Bad idea, I felt sick with a headache after eating it. I still need to make my work schedule for September and fill out a professional reference for a friend, but tabled those things for tomorrow so I could nurse the headache and continue a Bones marathon that is molding my ass to our sofa.
Eventually, I picked up the kids at their bus stop – not bothering to put on a bra and wearing shorts with a stain on the ass that looks like I leaked blood (it’s nail polish). The Bones marathon continued with Max (he shares my taste in TV shows), Bella did her own thang, and I barely pulled myself together enough to fix a meal for dinner. That frozen lunch fucked-up my energy for the latter part of the day.
When I think about this day, I will remember seeing Bella’s sensitivity on her face. I will remember embracing BellaGrace and her light-of-my-life smile as we walked together to the lunch room (I told her I changed my mind, that I missed her because my heart isn’t use to the new school schedule). I will remember the good moods my kids were in before and after school. I will remember the ease in which I laugh, love, and live with Hal and our children when we are all together. I gotta say, overall it was a good day.
“Do not ask your children
to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable,
but it is the way of foolishness.
Help them instead to find the wonder
and the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them the joy of tasting
tomatoes, apples and pears.
Show them how to cry
when pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure
in the touch of a hand.
And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.”
― William Martin,