i’m ranting and i’m saying the word, “you,” but its figurative, not really meaning for anyone to take it personally. blowing off some steam here, people. Wink

i wanted to shout out… I’M FAT AND I’M OKAY WITH IT.

i know my body is for-ever changing. one year i’m this size, another year i’m that size. having children has changed my body, getting older is changing my body. i’m learning how to eat healthy and still eat many of the vegan treats i love. yeah, i’m low energy/activity and that is because of having RA, not because i’m lazy (contrary to popular belief).

i just wanted to say it, cuz’ it’s validating, I’M OKAY WITH MY BODY. and i feel the need to say it because when i got really thin because of the way i was eating to help bella with her allergies, EVERYONE except my conscientious feminist sister-friends, commented on my shrinking size with such excitement. as if i was giving them hope or something, “well, shit, if that fat-ass can loose THAT much weight, than there’s hope for me, yet.” OR WORSE, “wow, she must feel so good now that she is skinny.”  okay, i know, i’m reading into people’s comments a wee-bit too much. and i understand that body issues affect every woman i know differently.  we are all products of our culture on this one, ladies and gents.  but seriously, i have to ask, why comment on my size at all… would you do it now that i’ve gotten fat again? would you say, “wow, you have gained so much weight and you look fabulous!” or would you just say, “you look great!” the latter would be more like it. not because it is a kind and okay thing to say, but because you would feel wrong mentioning WEIGHT GAIN. so why comment when someone looses weight, “you have gotten so thin, you look wonderful!” why assume that loosing weight is a positive?

i was going through a very traumatic time with my daughter’s health, loosing weight was not a goal or a positive experience for me. and only in hindsight can i really see this to be the case. i think it is great if a woman talks about her goals to loose weight, to be healthy in conjunction to loosing weight (one not reflective of the other as a person CAN be healthy AND fat), how she is doing it, how great she feels – i commend that and would talk about it right along with her with great pride for my friend’s accomplishments and gusto. but if a person does not make it a point to talk about their own body, or what is going on with it, please don’t take it upon yourself to comment on his or her weight. weight is such a personal issue, like breastfeeding, pooping, and sexuality. i dunno why, maybe it has become that way because of the intense amount of shame our culture has brought upon fat bodies.

i’m writing this out because i don’t want you to think that i feel shame over my weight gain.  i don’t want others to look at me like i fell off the wagon or something.  it is what it is:  my body changing and me figuring out how to care for it. and trust me when i tell you, YOU DO NOT HAVE THE ANSWERS for my body’s health. even tho i know you think you do.

home and at lola's 052

3 thoughts on “I AM FAT, AGAIN. DEAL WITH IT.

  1. LOL! And lovely thighs you do have, I! I just went from a size 12 to a size 18. A jump that I have made several times in my life. It’s just, after having babies, and loosing a lot of weight, so many women (all moms) thought that was GREAT. Like, life is so grand because I’m loosing weight, I MUST FEEL GREAT. The problem is, I wasn’t feeling great. I tried to talk about what was going on with my daughter but it seemed too involved and not serious enough (she wasn’t hospitalized or anything) to really touch anyone on a level where they would get it that I WAS DEALING WITH A SOMETHING VERY PAINFUL AND TRAUMATIC. I did not even realize I was loosing weight until someone else mentioned it to me. I have noticed that after a woman has a child, she’s so vulnerable to all the pressure to loose that baby weight. And when other women saw that was happening to me, they were happy for me. They didn’t understand that it was not a happy experience for me. It was hard for me to talk about because it made me so confused that I was angry at all the attention my new body was getting. To me, that was saying that all these people saw my fat body as being “BAD” and my new thin body as being, “GOOD AND RIGHT.” I once told someone, “as soon as I’m able to eat a wider variety of food, I’ll gain the weight back.” She was all lilke, “aah, no you won’t!” Like I was speaking of something dirty and wrong. Uh, yes I did. Anyway, I know I’m fat, and I’m okay with it. I may not always be fat, I may loose weight again for one reason or another… but it is not an indicator of who I am as a person changing, if but a superficial indicator. BTW… talking with Hal about our visit. I hopefully will be able to tell you something by the end of the week! :)

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